It's National Nancy Off the Table Day

By David Swanson

That’s right, children, it’s national Nancy Day, honoring the occasion on May 7, 2006, when Nancy Pelosi first allowed Tim Russert to badger her into agreeing that she wouldn’t permit the impeachment of Saint George or Father Dick, not even if they barbequed children on the White House lawn.

The right honorable Republican National Committee had just sent out a press release reading, roughly, as follows: “Skin me, Miss Nancy, snatch out my eyeballs, t’ar out my yeras by de roots, en cut off my legs, but don’t deprive me of mah rightful impeachment. Don’t fling me in dat immunity-patch.”

For weeks the RNC talking heads had all had the same talking points: impeachment will revive the Republican Party. Give us impeachment and we’ll rally our wingers till the Fourth Reich comes hand-in-hand with Jesus to attend your waterboarding. We’ll dine on roast donkey for years to come if you’ll only impeach us, Miss Nancy.

Well, Nancy’s hemming and hawing on May 7th let loose a herd of elephants without a shovel or a bucket, and by May 8th and over the following days Nancy was insisting that she had no interest in impeachment, didn’t like impeachment, didn’t even know what impeachment was. But some Republican loyalists kept pushing the idea that electing Democrats to Congress in November 2006 would mean Bush’s impeachment. Polls found that a majority of Americans believed that prediction, despite Nancy’s best efforts. And yet, we elected 31 new Democrats and not one new Republican, so something was amiss in the calculations and I just can’t figure out what it could have been. In fact, many Americans, ignorant of the True Meaning of Nancy Day, wrongly believe that it was only after the November elections that Nancy ripped impeachment out of the Constitution.

National Nancy Day is best known for its party games, Jell-O shots, stuttering contests, self-flagellations, and rooting for the team playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. But beginning this year, Nancy Day is the kick-off of World Looking Forward Week. Good Americans are encouraged to attend local criminal trials of all sorts and ask the judges to be reflective rather than retributive, and to focus on holding their hearings without verdicts or sentences. College students everywhere are expected to smash store windows and burn cars in the nude, many with “Look Forward, Officer,” painted on their ass.

But, fun and games aside, the real reason for Nancy Day is to honor what Nancy Pelosi did for us three years ago. Had she not acted so corruptly and with such absolute absence of spine, “looking forward” today might not mean the same thing at all, since criminal prosecutions and accountability might have already happened and there would be nothing left to do but look forward. In fact, had Nancy not done that voodoo that she does, torture might be over now, not just officially halted. Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan might be forced to get along without our bombs and soldiers, habeas corpus might be considered applicable to just anybody, rendition might not have become ordinary, we might not have laws made and unmade with executive orders because Congress might make the laws without signing statements or secret memos, and Congress’s subpoenas might be obeyed. Congress might even be asked to approve or reject treaties. And “state secrets” might just be a category on Jeopardy.

So, count your blessings, boys and girls. Honor your elders. Praise Pelosi, eliminator of impeachment. And be on the lookout for pagan talk about trying, in this modern age, to impeach a guy named Jay Bybee.

Bred en bawn in immunity, Nancy — bred en bawn in immunity!’ en wid dat George en Dick en Karl skip out des ez lively as crickets in de embers.

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