Are you a network television executive, a newspaper editorial board member, a good citizen who obeys the President of the United States, or perhaps you are the President? Do you want to support negotiated compromise in Ukraine after having spent many months denouncing compromise as the treasonous work of Putin-funded commies? You’ve come to the right place. These methods have been used with great success by your peers for over a century. They are offered free and confidentially, with satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. They are best used in combination.
10. Put your new view in the mouths of others who shared your old view. This is fundamental. Don’t interview someone who can blurt out “I’ve been saying the choices were stalemate, apocalypse, or compromise for 18 months, where have you been?” Instead, give your microphone only to people who will focus on the idea that the situation on the ground has changed. These voices can be Ukrainian or can simply report that “some in Ukraine are now saying . . . ” but if they don’t believe the situation on the ground has changed, give em the ol’ one-two-Netanyahu.
9. Russia is using the war on Ukraine to distract from the China threat, and you are going to not let them get away with it. This one will fly off the shelves. Every regular weapons-funded guest and consultant will oblige, repeat it, believe it, and head off spreading it everywhere. Those who question or criticize or mock this pivot are clearly in the pay of the Chinese government.
8. Russia has been so weakened by the glorious and valiant courage and sacrifice of the brave Ukrainian fighters and their dedicated supporters in the bastion of dumbocracy that Russia is no longer a threat, not to Ukraine and not to its neighbors. Success is sweet. Now it’s time for the trivial post-glory work of diplomacy to work out a deal almost as good as could have been had without the war.
7. A secret special forces unit known as the U.S. Ukrainian Central Kingpin Escalation Reserve Squad has applied pressure to Putin through treatment of individuals very close to him — treatment that you are of course aware of but choose not to relate due to your sensitivities and pesky laws and treaties — and Putin has agreed to back down and to eventually die. You could say more but then you’d have to kill us.
6. The heroic Ukrainian troops died in the early days of the war, leaving behind the incompetent buffoons who were not ready for democracy and did not listen to their U.S. advisors. They blew it, the ungrateful wretches, and we just can’t sacrifice 100,000 U.S. troops at the moment. See #9 above.
5. It’s end the war or let Donald Trump get elected. This should not be a difficult choice. How dare anyone even question it? “Ukraine” is a Trump talking point. It’s not even a real country, not really.
4. Zelensky wants the war to end. He has to pretend he doesn’t in order to avoid assassination in his model democracy, but he does — just between you and me and Western media audiences. Nobody should oppose Zelensky. It’s HIS country.
3. It’s almost Christmas. A Christmas Truce is called for by numerous religious leaders eager to get on television.
2. Continuing this war right now would be Antisemitic.
1. If you knew what I know about the UFOs . . . .