The Nonbinding Resolution of Independence

The unanimous Declaration of the fifty united States of America, Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam, Guantanamo Bay, Assorted Offshore Oil Rigs, and the U.S. Servicemen and Women serving the Homeland in 177 nations around the globe, as drafted by the President

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to bomb the bejesus out of another people and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and hegemonic station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s Christian God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to employ the most awesome military force the poor corrupt Muslim bastards have ever seen.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all white men, and some women, and a few closeted gay people in the United States are created equal, that they are endowed by their Christian Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the pursuit of wealth, oil, basing rights, lithium, and for-profit healthcare. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted over Men, deriving their just powers from the manufacture of consent of the governed, — That whenever any foreign Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on the rubble and bones of the liberated Arabs or whatever they are.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long obedient should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to escape from under absolute American Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to impose regime change, and to provide new mercenaries and torture chambers for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this empire; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former allies’ Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Iran is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute liberty from U.S. control. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a stupefied world.

He has refused his Assent to Invasion, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, defying the will of Washington.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large oil corporations, unless those corporations would relinquish the right of complete ownership, a right inestimable to them and formidable to insurgents only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from Washington, D.C., for the sole purpose of jabbering in a foreign language.

He has dissolved psyops operations repeatedly, opposing with manly firmness our invasions and the rights of our People.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Lies for establishing Colonial Powers.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to make our sorry social safety net look bad by comparison.

He has kept, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our Commander in Quagmire.

He has affected to render the civil independent of and superior to the military law.

He has combined with others to subject neighboring occupied nations to a jurisdiction foreign to our military and unacknowledged by our emperor; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For fielding a better soccer team than ours:

He has abdicated Government in Iran, by declaring himself out of our Protection and declining to invite our waging War against him.

He has arrogantly offered assistance when we have plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Muslim monsters with three heads and four sets of genitalia to ravage our women.

He has attempted to purchase large quantities of uranium from Africa.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define an Axis of Evil, is unfit to be the ruler of a subjugated people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Iranian brethren. We have aided their escape from mob rule for decades, sabotaged their radical plots, and shipped their young people stacks of propaganda and cases of little American flags. One guy burned some of the flags. We have it on tape.

They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of superiority. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Invasion, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace contemptible animals worthy of mass slaughter.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Christian Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of the Homeland, solemnly publish and declare, That these united states and territories and bases and satellites and aircraft carriers are, and of Right ought to be the baddest mothers any terrorist has ever had to clash with, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to International Law or morality, and that all political connection between them and the other 95% of humanity, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Rulers, they have full Power to levy War, lock evildoers up without judicial niceties, torture, and assassinate, and to do all other Christian Acts and Christian Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Christian Providence, we mutually pledge to each other the Iranians’ Lives, their Fortunes, and our sacred standard of living.

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