February 10, 2011, 4:00pm
Marriott Wardman Park Hotel
That’s where you should be to help present Donald Rumsfeld with a very serious award for his noble defense of the mythical document the Tea Party refers to mysteriously as “The Constitution,” not to be confused with any document available in print.
This PDF schedule of CPAC’s upcoming festivities opens on February 10 with Michele Bachmann (everybody take three steps to your left so she can see you), and goes straight into gay bashing.
By late morning on February 10th, instead of the usual protest of the Citizens United decision that any other gathering of Americans would feature, this one will include the Citizens United group itself performing a dramatization of the dangers of a nuclear Iran. “Explosive!”
Then Andrew Breitbart types will train you in becoming big-time movie makers. “Dress provocatively!”
After lunch you can study up on how to uneducate young people, and take part in a Ronald Reagan extravaganza, including a talk about “God and Reagan” where the challenge will, of course, be identifying which is which.
But wait! There’s more! At 1 pm Congressman Steve “bombs would be better than Wikileaks” King and the National Rifle Association will overlap five other sessions, only four of which are completely insane. One, believe it or not, is about the need to cut military spending — a presentation by something called the “Committee for the Republic” with whom we should perhaps be talking.
A full 15 minutes later, at 1:15 the big immigrant-bashing session gets rolling: “Proper Englisch Spelling Will Liberiate Us!”
At 2 pm Risk Santorum is on stage with a dog (exact nature of the act is a closely guarded secret).
Then there’s government-bashing, more gay-bashing, a little theocracy promotion, and astroturf training. . . oh, and something to do with Saint Peter’s bones.
And this action-packed extravaganza has saved time to re-fight the Vietnam War before Senator Rand Paul shows up at 3:45 at the Whites Only entrance.
As many as nine or more activists are expected to attend the CPAC affair and they will each get 2 minutes to speak at 4 pm.
Then, a split second later, at – in fact – 4 pm, Rummy will roll in from Mount Misery to pick up his much deserved award for defending the Constitution from the forces of literacy and law enforcement. (Sources say he plans to secretly arrive 10 hours early and stand behind a door just to prove that standing for 10 hours is not torture, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.)
Some of your lesser rightwingers, including Tucker Carlson and some others you may have actually heard of will also do their thing at 4 pm and they’re offering free food, so really let’s skip the Rummy ceremony.
At 4:30 the man to whom the U.S. House just gave the power to cap spending on anything other than wars, Paul Ryan, will talk about how expensive governmet paper is, while Rumsfeld signs books – STANDING! – and Dick Morris sucks on Citizen’s United’s corporate person’s toes (not to be missed!).
Then if you’ve never gotten drunk with Ron and Rand Paul and seen them play their “Who’s a bigger bullshitter” game, well here’s your chance, and it’s an OPEN BAR.
Drink up, because by 7 pm we’ll be celebrating the glorious War on Iraq! But only until 7:30 when the Presidential Banquet (with no president of course) kicks into full carnivorous fury.
I know you think I’m making this up, but I couldn’t create this ugly a website if you paid me http://www.conservative.org/cpac
And that was just Day One.
So sober up and slurp some tea, because Friday, February 11th features champagne-chugging congress members, bipartisan pollsters, cutting spending, our leftwing judges, demonstrations of the cleanness of coal, IRS effigy burnings, Mitt Romney, cutting spending, Tom Price, caring for human beings if they are fetuses, immigrant bashing part 2, Marsha Blackburn, John Thune, and cutting spending.
There’s even a second bit on the scandalous notion of cutting spending at the Pentagon with Grover Norquist. So be sure you’ve tossed all your tomatoes at the stage prior to that 11 am session.
Also at 11 am Grover Norquist will simultaneously be in another room hyping the need to confront the global menace of evildoers. I recommend booing him only in that session unless he’s there by holographic trickery, in which case just unplug him.
At noon, for a change of pace, Grover Norquist will turn to the burning need to cut spending.
At 12:30 legitimately sane and decent opponent of empire Bruce Fein will sign his new and excellent book.
But, relax, because at 1 pm we’ll plot the complete elimination of healthcare. Making swift work of that, we’ll take on public schools at 1:15.
And at 1:30 you will NOT WANT TO MISS “The Awakening of the Conservative Woman” co-starring none other than our very own Michele Bachmann in another Citizens United production, followed by Phyllis Schlafly’s remarks tentatively entitled “Oh go back to sleep for fuck’s sake.”
You do have a choice, though, because Bruce Fein will also speak at 1:30, followed — through a strange space-time continuum by a 1 pm book signing called “Obama Zombies.”
This will go on in a similar manner for another day and a half. There will be labor union bashing, campaigns to get guns on college campuses, lessons in English writing from Tea Partiers, a Constitional I’m Not Making This Up Amendment to forbid spending money, Muslim bashing, and a session on prison reform that will probably be much more reassuringly lunatic than it sounds on the schedule, another awakening of the conservative woman (and her two friends!), Rick Perry, environmentalist bashing, cutting spending, Mitch Daniels, Connie Mack, and lots of ALCOHOL.
There is another sane bit on repealing the PATRIOT Act, which will be buried in a sea of spreading stupidity. And you will want to stay for the end so as not to miss Jim Woolsey on “The Sharia Challenge,” tea partiers, spending cuts, and guns, guns, guns. Plus China and North Korea are planning to nuke us! And Zalmay Khalizad will reveal that he still thinks we should keep killing Afghans!
Ann Coulter will be there! Won’t you?