March 5, 2004
Democrats are lovers, not fighters. We’re the party of disarmament, and we’re disarming at parties. We understand that all politics is intimate and that abstinence is not the answer. ReDefeatBush.com, the website of the Committee to ReDefeat the President, is working to register a million new Democrats in swing states, and is funding the project in part through the sale of high quality condoms labeled “ReDefeat Bush – Don’t Get Screwed Again!”
The theory behind the campaign is that if you can build a better condom, they will come — the country will beat a path to your door. Last election too many people were unprepared or failed to rise to the occasion, and we all got taken by a Trojan horse candidate who, with the naked truth now before us, turns out to have been carrying strategic total domination schemes (STDs).
It’s time we stopped beating around the Bush and protected ourselves against unwanted regencies. Slowing the spread of hysterically inept, vindictive, authoritarian, idiot despots (HIV-AIDs) is the physically conservative thing to do.
ReDefeat Bush condoms can be purchased for $3 each at http://www.redefeatbush.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=ShopStop&service=2 or in bulk (20 for $40 or 50 for $100 – the Super Party Animal Package) at http://www.redefeatbush.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=ShopStop&service=4
These condoms make the ideal Democratic Party favor and terrific gag gifts for Republicans. They’re fun and educational, good for four years, and endlessly versatile. So, let out your primal primary yawp, but practice safe politics and protect yourself against a backlash from CNN, MSNBC, and other STDs.
Stock up for summer vacation!
Turn the empty cardboard packages into a collage!
Get a dozen, which makes a nicer wedding gift than a food processor!
Donate a box to your local gas station or convenience store!
Buy a supply for your local health clinic. You know they can’t afford them.
Give a supply to your local library, and you could be automatically entered to win an all-expenses-paid trip to beautiful Guantanamo.
Give one as a tip to the pizza delivery guy. Nothing says “I have confidence in you” like a ReDefeat Bush condom.
Mail them to your friends abroad along with an apology and a reassurance that we have taken that first step of admitting we have a problem.
Put them also into care packages for US troops in Iraq. If the Army’s not buying bullet-proof vests, you know it’s not buying condoms.
Send one to William Safire along with an essay on the proper use of the word “redefeat.”
Toss them off parade floats!
Give them to airport security just to say “Thanks!” and “Keep it up!”
Haul a box of them to a hot Spring Break location and trade them to people for items of clothing. Haul the clothing to a homeless shelter.
Make a bouquet of them to place on Strom Thurmond’s grave.
Use them as the solution to political campaigning in bars that play the music too loud to converse.
Use them as teaching tools in educating your children about the birds, the bees, and the C students.
A ReDefeat Bush condom can be a central element in any American coming-of-age ritual, presented with pride to a new man or woman while a band plays Willie Nelson’s “What Happened to Peace on Earth.”
Mail a half dozen to Bill Clinton. Enough said.
Buy a supply for the White House and help keep investigations of misconduct focused on the theft of elections, the waging of illegal wars, and the shredding of the Bill of Rights. We need redress, not another blue dress.
When you graduate this Spring and go up on stage to receive your diploma and shake the hand of a solemn educator, have a ReDefeat Bush condom in your palm.
And don’t forget to mail a box of them to Robert Rector at the Heritage Foundation with a note explaining that he can buy a large supply for less than the cost of his crusade to pay poor straight single mothers to get married.
And remember, be careful out there!