CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a move that shocked and angered city residents, including families that have called the area home for centuries, an increasingly bold Israel announced Tuesday that it had begun building settlements for its citizens in downtown Charlottesville, VA. “Our High Planning Committee has approved 1,200 new Israeli homes in Charlottesville’s central business district and will soon move forward with plans to expand into the nearby Vinegar Hill and Belmont neighborhoods as well,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who confirmed the Downtown Mall would soon be demolished to make way for brand-new Israeli subdivisions. “We will also be taking measures to protect these new settlements by building a barrier wall along the 250 Bypass, which can only be crossed by those holding an Israeli passport. In addition, we’ll have IDF troops patrolling all of Charlottesville to keep the peace, and any American resident charged with a crime will be tried in our military courts. Naturally, these measures are necessary to ensure Israel’s security interests.” At press time, the U.S. government had pledged to provide Israel with an additional $3 billion in military aid to help the nation defend its new territory.
With thanks to Adele Roof for the idea of plagiarizing the Onion, and with thanks to the Onion for being the Onion.