Biden Set to Announce Radical Departure on Thursday

By David Swanson

This Thursday, April 1, 2021, the Biden White House is set to release a collection of new plans and actions aimed at fulfilling numerous campaign promises heretofore neglected. President Biden, in a pre-written statement, is expected to remark, “Aw what the heck, I thought I’d surprise each one of you and instead of violating everything we stand for any longer I would do the you know do the um yeah exactly.”

By Thursday evening all U.S. troops will be out of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Syria, U.S. participation in the war on Yemen ended, the Iran agreement rejoined, and U.S. weapons sales to brutal Middle Eastern dictatorships permanently stopped. As a result of reduced military expenses, there will be less need for what Biden now calls “that goofy joke where I pretended my next spending package would be paid for over 15 years as if we wouldn’t need to buy anything else between now and 2036.”

By Friday the carrots and sticks applied to Senators Manchin and Sinema to remove their defense of the filibuster will have made that plane ride that President Obama gave Congressman Kucinich to get him to drop single-payer healthcare look like a pathetic little plane ride. By the weekend, the new law of the land in the United States will include:

  • A $15/hour minimum wage
  • Paid sick and family leave
  • Expanded voting rights, including for people convicted of felonies
  • Campaign finance reform
  • Free community college for two years
  • Forgiveness of student debt at public colleges and universities
  • Free college for families paid less than $125,000 a year
  • Universal preschool
  • A healthcare “public option”
  • A lowered age for Medicare
  • A pathway to citizenship
  • A ban on assault weapons
  • A ban on union busting
  • A ban on “new” fracking
  • A tax penalty for offshoring
  • The cap removed on Social Security taxes, and Social Security expanded
  • Vouchers capping housing costs at 30% of income
  • Abolition of the federal death penalty
  • Decriminalization of marijuana
  • Elimination of cash bail and of mandatory minimum sentences

Not another kid will be separated from their immigrant family. Relations will be restored with Cuba and the Palestinian Authority. And, most importantly, not another nice thing said during an election campaign will be laughed off as just a cute little lie ever again.

April Fools.

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