Why Three Branches and Two Parties

By David Swanson

Civics 102: Getting Real.

Our government is divided into two parties, balanced by checkbooks. The Republican Party’s role is to please lovers of death-match cage combat and Dallas Cowboys fans. The Democratic Party’s role is to befriend masochists and Chicago Cubs supporters. Together, the two parties keep the war machine and Wall Street singing in harmony.

A tourist in Washington recently asked for directions to the military industrial complex. The answer: Look deep inside.

Our government’s two-party structure established by the founders in the book of Genesis is further subdivided into three branches of government. The executive branch faithfully executes the will of the two parties and is led by a president whose functions are: to please people who think it’s exciting that England still has royalty, comfort children who had no fathers, and interest the readers of celebrity gossip magazines.

The legislative branch exists to advise the president, flatter him, and even to mock him as court jesters have done since the days of Jesus and the Constitutional Convention.

The judicial branch serves as an arbitrator when the war machine and Wall Street are in disagreement on an important matter.

The branches all have checks drawn on each other’s accounts. The members of the judicial branch are chosen by the president. The president is chosen by the war machine and Wall Street, with the choice subject to revision by the judicial branch. And legislators are selected by the two parties, one of which is run by the president.

The president tells the judicial branch whom to convict of crimes and whom to grant either immunity or a pardon.

The president makes all legislation, by means of instructions to the legislators, signing statements, executive orders, and secret memos. But the legislative branch has the power to talk a lot about such matters to the point of rendering them boring, odious, or obnoxious.

The president makes treaties and appointments and determines who should or should not testify before the legislative branch.

The president determines where money will be spent, but the legislative branch controls what denominations the bills will be in.

And the president declares wars and determines at what point they will end and become permanent occupations. The judicial branch rules on questions of war when the legislative and executive branches disagree. And the legislative branch is required to always agree with the president.

This system has been refined and perfected to the point where you wouldn’t want to alter it in any way even if you had the right to do so.