The Constitution of the Homeland of America: Revised Abridged Edition

By David Swanson

We the people of the Homeland, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, kill the terrorists, lock up the immigrants, and honor our Commander in Chief, do promise to vote, and shop, and watch the television news sometimes, and definitely to vote. Details follow.

Article I

Section 1. All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Unitary Executive of the United States, attended by a royal court which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives.

Section 2. The House of Representatives shall be composed of members chosen every second year by the private election corporations hired by the several states. There shall be no election day, but rather an Election Year, thus limiting the work of members to the odd-numbers years of Our Lord.

No person shall be a Representative who shall not profess absolute loyalty to either the Republican or Democrat Party, or both, and God.

Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states which may be included within this Homeland, and taxes among the other nations of the world, according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole number of free persons, including those bound to service for a term of years, three fifths of all Muslims and Mexicans. The actual Enumeration shall be made every term of ten years, in such manner as the Unitary Executive shall direct. The number of Representatives shall not exceed one for every thirty thousand Christians, but each state shall have at least one Representative.

When vacancies happen in the Representation from any state, the Diebold Corporation shall issue virtual writs of election to fill such vacancies.

The majority Party of the House of Representatives shall choose its speaker and other officers. The minority Party shall do likewise.

The House shall possess no power of impeachment, nor any other actual power, but shall be permitted to transmit its activities over C-Span.

Section 3. The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each state, chosen by the Diebold Corporation, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote.

No person shall be a Senator who shall not have attained to the age of thirty years, and been nine years a citizen of the United States and who shall not, when elected, be an inhabitant of that state for which he shall be chosen, possess at least $1 million, and swear allegiance to the Democrat or Republican Party or both, and God.

The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided, except by threatening violence toward the other Senators to compel their votes.

The two Parties in the Senate shall choose their other officers, and also a President pro tempore, in the absence of the Vice President, or when he shall reside in an undisclosed location.

The Senate shall not try any impeachments, nor any similar impertinences not pre-approved by the Vice President.

Senators shall have access to C-Span and be permitted to campaign for the office of Unitary Executive.

Section 4. The times, places and manner of holding elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be eternal and omnipresent, such that no resident of the Homeland shall ever be able to escape the thought that the most important election in history is imminent.

The Congress shall assemble all year long, with numerous vacations to be scheduled by its lobbyists and bribers. Bribery shall be permitted when not engaged in by labor unions.

Section 5. Each House shall be the judge of the elections, returns and qualifications of its own members, and a majority of each shall constitute a quorum to do business; but a smaller number may adjourn from day to day, and may be authorized to compel the attendance of absent members, in such manner, and under such penalties as each House may provide.

Each House may determine the rules of its proceedings, punish its members, other than the Vice President, for disorderly behavior, and, with the concurrence of two thirds, expel a member, other then the Vice President. Senators dissatisfied with the conduct of the Vice President can go fuck themselves.

Each House shall keep a journal of its proceedings, and from time to time publish the same, excepting such parts as may in the judgment of the Unitary Executive require secrecy; and the yeas and nays of the members of either House on any question shall, at the desire of one fifth of those present, be entered on the journal.

Neither House, during the session of Congress, shall, without the consent of the other, adjourn for more than three days, nor to any other place than that in which the two Houses shall be sitting.

Section 6. The Senators and Representatives shall receive a compensation for their services, to be paid by their lobbyists and bribers They shall in all cases, be subject to warrantless search and seizure without cause by the Unitary Executive during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.

Section 7. All bills for raising revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with amendments as on other Bills. The Unitary Executive may signing statement said bills or simply ignore them.

Every bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a law, be presented to the Unitary Executive of the Homeland; if he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the objections at large on their journal, and proceed to reconsider it. Or the Unitary Executive may sign the bill and ignore all or part of it. He may, if he so chooses, announce in a signing statement the portions of the bill he intends to alter or ignore.

If after reconsideration two thirds of the originating House shall agree to pass the bill, it shall be sent, together with the objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a law. In such instance, the Unitary Executive may simply ignore the bill without indicating his plans in a signing statement.

But in all such cases the votes of both Houses shall be determined by yeas and nays, and the names of the persons voting for and against the bill shall be entered on the journal of each House respectively. Persons voting contrary to the will of the Unitary Executive shall be subject to rhetorical attack, immune from any charge of libel or slander, by the media corporations of the Homeland.

Every order, resolution, or vote to which the concurrence of the Senate and House of Representatives may be necessary (except on a question of adjournment) shall be presented to the Unitary Executive of the Homeland; and before the same shall take effect, shall be approved by Him, or being disapproved by Him, shall be repassed by two thirds of the Senate and House of Representatives, according to the rules and limitations prescribed in the case of a bill. The Unitary Executive may choose which measures to obey and which to ignore.

Section 8. The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, except on corporations, those possessing over $10 million, and close acquaintances of the Unitary Executive, to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States, except by use of the Unitary Executive’s military;

To borrow money on the credit of the United States;

To regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To establish a uniform rule of naturalization, and uniform laws on the subject of bankruptcies throughout the United States, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To coin money, regulate the value thereof, and of foreign coin, and fix the standard of weights and measures, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To provide for the punishment of counterfeiting the securities and current coin of the United States, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To establish post offices and post roads, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To promote the progress of science and useful arts, by securing for limited times to authors and inventors the exclusive right to their respective writings and discoveries, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To constitute tribunals inferior to the Supreme Court, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove;

To define and punish piracies and felonies committed on the high seas, and offenses against the law of nations, except as the Unitary Executive may disapprove or may be guilty of said piracies and felonies;

To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water, but only as an entertaining fiction for the amusement of the inhabitants of Capitol Hill, said powers in reality belonging exclusively to the Unitary Executive;

To raise and support armies, but only as an entertaining fiction for the amusement of the inhabitants of Capitol Hill, said power in reality belonging exclusively to the Unitary Executive, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer term than two years, unless the Unitary Executive should determine that enduring occupations are in the national-corporate interest;

To provide and maintain a navy, but only in the Congressional Office Building bathtubs;

To make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces, but only in the Congressional Office Building bathtubs and recreation rooms;

To provide for calling forth the militia to execute the laws of the union, suppress insurrections and repel invasions, but only in their imaginations;

To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the militia, and for governing such part of them as may be employed in the service of the United States, reserving to the states respectively, the appointment of the officers, and the authority of training the militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress, all just for pretend;

To exercise exclusive legislation in all cases whatsoever, over Washington, D.C., and its colonized people; And

To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof, said laws being none whatsoever, the sole power to determine acceptable governmental action resting in the fist of the Unitary Executive.

Section 9. The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be honored.

Bills of attainder and ex post facto Laws shall be passed.

No money shall be drawn from the treasury, but in consequence of appropriations made by law; and a regular statement and account of receipts and expenditures of all public money shall be published from time to time, unless the Unitary Executive or his military chooses otherwise.

No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States: and no person holding any office of profit or trust under them, shall, without the consent of the Congress, accept of any present, emolument, office, or title, of any kind whatever, from any king, prince, or foreign state, except as his Holiness the Unitary Executive deems right and just.

Section 10. No state shall question the authority of the Unitary Executive , nor disrupt the legislature’s broadcast of its shenanigans on C-Span.

Article II

Section 1. The executive power shall be vested collectively in a Unitary Executive of the Homeland, a Vice President, and a secret council of corporate advisors, consiglieri, and propagandists. The Unitary Executives, consisting of the Unitary Executive and the Vice President, shall hold their offices during the term of four years, and, shall be elected in a two-year-long election process as follows:

The Media Corporations of the Homeland shall tell the voters whom to elect. The Diebold Corporation shall elect those candidates.

No person except a natural born citizen or Arnold Schwarzenegger shall be eligible to the office of Unitary Executive; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

In case of the death of the Unitary Executive or the Vice President, the one still living shall tell the legislature whom to approve as a replacement. In case of the death of both the Unitary Executive and the Vice President, the Media Corporation shall transmit exclusively sports for a month until the situation is resolved. No Unitary Executive or Vice President shall ever be removed from office during a term except by death or disappearance.

The Unitary Executive and Vice President shall join, if they do not already belong to, the permanent plutocracy, and shall be financially rewarded by said plutocracy.

Before they enter on the execution of their offices, they shall take the following oath or affirmation:–“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of Unitary Executive of the United States how ever I see fit.”

Section 2. The Unitary Executives shall be commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states, and of the Media Corporations, and of every resident of the United States when called into the actual service of the United States and at all times; they may require the opinion, in writing, of the principal officer in each of the executive departments, upon any subject relating to the duties of their respective offices, and they shall have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, without exception.

They shall have absolute power to make treaties and appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States.

Section 3. They shall from time to time give to the Media Corporations and the Congress a speech called “The State of the Union,” in the course of which they may show off their abilities as crafters of fiction and fantasy.

Section 4. The Unitary Executives of the Homeland shall never be impeached.

Article III. Courts, Tribunals, Prisons, and Torture Chambers shall be created and controlled by the Unitary Executives.

Article IV. States shall not transgress the will of the Unitary Executives.

Article V. All rights imagined to belong to the people of the Homeland shall be removed or granted at the pleasure of the Unitary Executives.