Pentagon Discusses Sending Troops into Ukraine War

Johnson!

Yes, Sir?

What is your hesitation regarding this deployment?

I have 3,623 hesitations, Sir!

You have what?

I surveyed the troops, Sir.

And?

And that’s how many of them are racist, or prejudiced toward the LGBT community, and I do not believe I would feel comfortable deploying with them. I believe it would, in fact, harm the cause of war to share a deployment with them, Sir!

You wouldn’t feel fucking comfortable, Johnson? If we bring you a goddamned teddy bear would that help? Peters, what about you? What’s your gripe?

Sir, Lockheed Martin weapons are used by every nasty dictatorship on Earth. Clearly, we cannot use them in the cause of freedom and democracy!

Clearly? How is that clear to you, Peters? What the fuck do you think we do every day? Are you all kidding me? Steiner, let’s have it, what’s bothering you? Are you worried that it might rain?

No, Sir!

What, then?

Sir, it’s come to our attention that some nations use jet fuel that destroys the Earth’s climate 5% more slowly and leaves behind a pleasant perfume.

What?

And we don’t, Sir!

What in the ever loving . . . wait a fucking minute here. Hampton, why are you laughing?

Sir, we lifted all this shit straight from the emails of peace activists, Sir! They won’t . . . they won’t . . . Oh Jesus I can’t . . . won’t

Jackson?

Sir, peace activists won’t do events with other peace activists they disagree with, or if the demographics aren’t balanced. They won’t even . . . they won’t even . . . oh hell . . .

Steiner?

Sir, they won’t even promote nonviolent action because some guy named Gene Sharp promoted nonviolent action and helped the CIA with various activities, Sir!

So, peace activists are for violent action now?

We don’t know, Sir. We think they are in favor of feeling superior to each other and don’t really care much what we do, Sir!

Well, let’s roll, ladies!