Pentagon Cancels All Planned Killings During Hurricane Florence

The U.S. military announced Wednesday that it would hold off on bombing Idlib province in Syria until Hurricane Florence’s impact was no longer felt in the United States. In addition, all bombings, missile strikes, and raids have been postponed in Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Somalia, and “literally all over the world,” in the words of Catherine Cusheen, Under Secretary of Defense for Lucidity.

“We saw that school and community events were being canceled all over the Carolinas and Virginia,” said Cusheen. “I mean, like, kids’ plays that their parents drive to in a Prius, and literally anti-pipeline protests, and . . . and shit that had nothing or very little to do with creating global warming. And, I mean, here we are running a trillion-dollar-a-year machine that burns more oil than most entire countries, and it just seemed like the right thing to do, to take a pause.”

Already Wednesday afternoon celebrations had broken out in at least 14 nations, and an online campaign to send 7 billion thank you notes to the Pentagon had raised $46 million. In a gesture of appreciation, Russia has canceled war games previously underway. And, at latest count, this reporter has been informed of 428 weddings hastily planned over the coming weekend in just 4 countries.

Bipartisan legislation drafted over lunch on Wednesday in a Capitol Hill cafeteria would move $11 billion expected to be saved through the respite in killings into a fund to reverse policies that exacerbate environmental destruction.

This story will be updated.

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[Note regarding the above article: Thank you to all those who understood it. And to all of you who wrote to ask me if it was really true: I realize you were not trying to drive me to suicide, and upon reflection I appreciate your believing such things are possible. So, thank you to you too.]