"Luring Illegals"

By David Swanson

My representative in the U.S. House of Representatives is Virgil Goode Jr., and I couldn’t be prouder. He was recently reported as saying: “Increasing the minimum wage in America will be a magnet for illegal aliens to come to this country. We do not need a strong magnet to lure illegals here.”

I always find this sort of leadership inspirational. Congressman Goode has inspired me to propose a few other changes – in addition to lowering the minimum wage – to help discourage people from coming to this country.

To begin with, it occurs to me that we have just way too much clean air and water. Those are magnets for “illegals” if I ever saw any. Pollution could protect us from the immigrants.

And our country, it strikes me, is generally too safe for people to wander about in – what we need, obviously, is more guns. And grenades would help – I mean, why can’t a good Christian citizen buy a grenade at the drug store if he’s so inclined?

Also, we don’t seem to have nearly the run of major diseases that we could if we worked at it even a little. And when people do get sick they’re constantly rushing to the hospital and getting treated. I think the harder we can make it to get health services the fewer Mexicans we’ll have coming here.

But what’s really wrong with this country – and I wonder why Congressman Goode didn’t point this out himself – is this idea that you still find hanging on here and there, this idea that anybody at all should be given an education. I mean, what happens when people find out that their kids can go to school – I mean when they’re not rich at all? That’s what’s ruining this country.

Really, when you stop to think about it, we’re going to have to destroy this country in order to save it. But we’re moving in the right direction, and Congressman Goode and his allies in Congress are helping us get there.

Still, I worry. Because if someone is here illegally, you don’t have to pay them a minimum wage, so what good will lowering it do? And if we lower our living standard below that of other countries, we’ll have to live that way or go to THEIR countries to live. Damn!

So, I guess, the wiser approach is probably to change our country so that it’s a miserable place only for the immigrants. I mean, we can make them carry special ID cards, and we can build prison camps for them, and we can just keep on not paying them the minimum wage.

This approach makes me feel better, and I’m going to recommend it to Congressman Goode. My only worry is, how will they know an immigrant’s lying if he says he doesn’t have a card because he’s not an immigrant? And how will they know I’m telling the truth? And what if they give my job to the people in the prison camps?

See, this is the problem with thinking too much. And it all started from looking at the newspaper. Our President knows better. I’m going to follow his example from now on.

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