"I Am So Opposed"

By David Swanson

Our representatives in Congress and our candidates for president are so opposed to the occupation of Iraq that, rather than funding a withdrawal, they are now proposing to fund the continuation of the occupation, as is, for the rest of Bush and Cheney’s terms plus a big chunk of the next administration / Congress. Suddenly $102 billion is $170 billion. Except that, unlike that loaves and fishes routine, somebody will have to pay for this – pay China for this money we’re borrowing – and that somebody will be our grandchildren.

This started me thinking about some of the things I strongly oppose and how I could better express my opposition. I’ve decided, in fact, to get a new mortgage on all the equity we’ve got in our house, and at the same time to max out three credit cards. I’m going to take all the money and donate it in equal shares to: Exxon, Halliburton, Blackwater, and four different health insurance companies. (I thought about giving some of it to cable and network news corporations, but then I realized that the fiercest opponents of those companies give them hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising whenever we have an election, so I already contribute by supporting progressive groups.)

Already I feel so much better! I may not have put an end to Exxon, but I’ve expressed my opposition to it in the clearest possible terms, by ruining my family for generations in order to give Exxon money. That ought to be worth something in my next campaign for head of household. And, in case I decide to oppose anything else in the future, I’m looking into the possibility of stealing a huge amount of money from a charity organization here in town.

The genius of our congressional leaders has inspired me. I wonder if you truly grasp the brilliant complexity of their latest maneuver. Not only can they guarantee the funding of more slaughter for more months this way, not only can they move the goal posts so that defunding the occupation by refusing to bring it up or voting No or filibustering is completely off the playing field, not only can they kiss up to the television networks and war profiteers in such an abject manner that they are guaranteed another masochistically thrilling ass-kicking, but – and this is the true genius of the move – they can boost the plausibility of an election theft by an insane senator from Arizona who will fund the occupation for 10,000 years without himself even realizing that he “opposes” it!

Genius.

And yet there remains a fringe leftwing moonbat group consisting of about 80% of Americans who oppose this brilliantly strategic opposition to the occupation of Iraq. A lot of them are organizing public events at http://iraqtownhalls.com where they’re suggesting that the way to oppose the occupation is to NOT provide any more funding to continue it. Imagine if these people were to have their way! They’d throw a monkey wrench into the whole works. Even the discussion of attacking Iran would have to be delayed, and I am SO opposed to attacking Iran!